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The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester

TEDx Talks

3.1M views 2 years ago

Warm-up Questions

What do you think makes a conversation “dramatically better”?
In your opinion, is there a science to good conversations, or is it mostly personality?
When you hear the word “stranger,” do you feel curious, nervous, or comfortable talking to them? Why?

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The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester

An uncomfortable experiment + why conversations go wrong (00:00 – 03:29)

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1. What question does the speaker want people to ask a stranger?

“Do you think people are basically good?”
“What is your biggest fear?”
“When was the last time you cried in front of someone?”
“What do you do for a living?”

2. Why did the speaker get more upset when his wife gave advice?

He wanted to avoid talking about work.
He wanted her to agree emotionally rather than solve the problem.
He wanted to complain to his boss directly.
He thought her advice was technically wrong.

3. According to the researchers, why do people sometimes fail to connect during a discussion?

They are distracted by phones.
They talk too quickly.
They do not share enough facts.
They are having different kinds of conversations at the same moment.

The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester

The matching principle + deep questions + a doctor’s example (03:29 – 09:58)

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1. What does the “matching principle” say successful communication requires?

Avoiding emotional topics
Recognizing what kind of conversation is occurring and then matching each other
Proving your point with evidence
Always giving practical advice first

2. Which best describes a “deep question” in this talk?

A question that invites someone to talk about values, beliefs, or experiences
A question that tests someone’s knowledge
A question with only yes/no answers
A question that focuses on detailed facts and dates

3. What question does Dr. Ehdaie ask the patient to start the conversation differently?

“Do you want surgery today?”
“How long have you had these symptoms?”
“What does this cancer diagnosis mean to you?”
“Which hospital do you prefer?”

The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester

Why the experiment works + connection in polarized times (09:58 – 12:58)

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1. How do participants usually feel before doing the crying-question experiment?

They feel sure it will be boring
They do not want to do it and expect it to be terrible
Excited and confident
Indifferent

2. After the experiment, what do many people report?

They wished they had asked for advice instead
They felt unusually connected and cared for
They felt judged and embarrassed
They forgot the conversation immediately

3. Why is the question “When was the last time you cried in front of someone?” so powerful, according to the speaker?

It is a deep question that allows people to say something real
It forces people to agree
It is funny and breaks the ice
It helps people avoid emotional topics

The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester

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1. Which set correctly matches the three “buckets” of conversations described in the talk?

Practical, emotional, social
Political, religious, scientific
Friendly, competitive, professional
Formal, informal, academic

2. What is the main purpose of asking deep questions in a conversation?

To show you are smarter than the other person
To gather as many facts as possible
To avoid vulnerability
To find out what kind of conversation is happening and connect better

3. In the doctor story, what changed when the surgeon used a deep question first?

Patients stopped talking about their fears entirely
Patients demanded surgery more quickly
The doctor avoided practical medical talk
Patients were more likely to follow the plan of active surveillance

Discussion Questions

Discuss the ideas from this video

The science behind dramatically better conversations | Charles Duhigg | TEDxManchester

Have you ever wanted empathy but received advice instead (or the opposite)? What happened?
Which type of conversation (practical, emotional, social) do you personally find hardest to recognize in the moment? Why?
What is one “deep question” you could ask to improve conversations at work, school, or at home?
Do you think society’s “polarization and division” affects everyday conversations? How could deep questions help?