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How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED

TED

481K views 3 months ago

Warm-up Questions

What does it mean to “handle hard things” as a child?
What are some “hard things” kids often face at school or at home?
Do you think parents should protect kids from discomfort, or help them get used to it? Why?

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How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED

Discomfort and the problem with “parenting for comfort” (00:00 – 07:54)

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1. Why does the speaker say she is glad the audience feels uncomfortable?

Because discomfort proves the audience is paying attention
Because discomfort is necessary to avoid getting sick
Because discomfort is the first essential step to creating confident kids

2. What method does the speaker call a “secret parenting playbook” for raising kids that thrive?

Deep breathing
Exposure therapy
Distraction techniques

3. In the anxiety treatment world, what is “parenting for comfort” also called?

Social referencing
Accommodation
Inhibitory learning

How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED

Parenting for confidence: handleability and the ABC recipe (07:54 – 11:59)

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1. When you “parent for confidence,” what is the main goal?

To make kids happy as often as possible
To build coping efficacy (“handleability”)
To get rid of anxiety and distress

2. In the speaker’s “A plus B equals C” recipe, what equals confidence?

Comfort plus praise
Anxiety plus bravery
Reassurance plus relaxation

3. What does Sammy earn and then “cash in” for trips to new restaurants?

Extra screen time
Brave points
Gold stars from school

How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED

Brave parenting, confidence transfer, and the bigger purpose (11:59 – 16:45)

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1. According to the speaker, how can adults “transfer” confidence to kids?

Through social referencing, as kids look to adults to gauge safety
By giving frequent praise before the child takes action
By removing all scary situations from the child’s life

2. Where does the speaker say confidence comes from?

Practice
Praise or protection
Avoiding hard feelings

3. What does the speaker say revolutions begin with?

A group of experts creating rules for parents
A child feeling less anxious before taking action
One person doing something hard on purpose where others can see

How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED

Transcript will load here…

1. Which statement best summarizes the speaker’s main message?

Parents should focus on helping kids build the belief “I can handle it.”
Kids should avoid anxiety whenever possible to stay healthy.
Confidence mainly comes from praise, rewards, and comfort.

2. Why does “parenting for comfort” often backfire, according to the talk?

It teaches kids that hard feelings are an emergency and cannot be handled.
It makes kids too independent too early.
It works well for anxiety but not for OCD.

3. What is the role of anxiety in building confidence in the ABC idea?

Anxiety is a core ingredient that helps the brain learn safety when paired with bravery.
Anxiety is evidence the child is failing and should stop.
Anxiety should be ignored completely so it goes away.

Discussion Questions

Discuss the ideas from this video

How to Raise Kids Who Can Handle Hard Things | Kathryn Hecht | TED

The speaker says kids need “comfort with discomfort.” What might that look like in a real family situation?
What are examples of “accommodation” that adults do for children (or that people do for themselves)? When can it be helpful, and when is it harmful?
Do you agree that “confidence doesn’t come from praise or protection…it comes from practice”? Why or why not?
What is one “bravery ladder” you could create for a common fear (for example: dogs, speaking in class, trying new foods)? List 4–5 steps from easiest to hardest.